November 2017.. has it been that long since I last published anything on my blog?? Kesian.. tapi beginilah lumrah kehidupan, apa2 yang trendy akan menjadi basi lalu ditinggalkan menjadi lapuk dan kusang.

I am here because I need to just write down something as therapy. I think it might help. Maybe.

The past few days has been quite depressing and confusing. It's not the worst, but it has been so long that this black fog disappeared and now it has come and seems to be staying here suspended around me for an extended period of time; longer than usual.

I try to keep up my day by doing the usual things like wake up on a normal time and go to work, but I need to summon all my will to get out of bed and get ready. I try to go through my day by not being alone, like eating lunch with mates and make jokes with colleagues, laugh and talk like usual, it seems and sounds usual, but the moment I am by myself, I'd feel like a big fraud and exhausted of wearing a mask and pretending being 'someone' else (although it's me, weird but true) and at the end of the day I just want to be alone. And when I am alone, I hate this feeling that I have at this moment, because I feel like I don't feel anything. I also feel sad, but not sad like crying oh woe me sad, but just sad, sad for no reason.

So in conclusion, I hate being with other people because it feels tiring and fake, and I hate being alone because the demons just comes out. I hope this season will pass like it usually does, maybe it'll take a few more days for the skies to clear. I'll try to busy myself with other things.

I don't get happy-go-lucky people who go by their lives effortlessly. I grew up thinking to myself that being sad is my 'default' state.

I don't usually post this sort of stuff, usually it will go into drafts and then forgotten or deleted. So today I'm posting this shit, hoping that when it is published, it will be a release.