2016 Round Up

I’ve started drawing mind maps for new year resolutions for the past couple of years. I don’t know whether helped me achieve more goals or not, but it helps to serve as a checklist whenever I look at it once every few months or so just to see how I’m doing.

So, shall we see how I did?

Goal 1 (Self):

1. I didn’t manage to do 2 tafseers this year. Only did Yaseen during Ramadan. I hope it had quality. I was being brought up with Islam being a cultural thing, where we read the Yaseen when someone is on their death bed and when visiting graves. Before this, I associated Yaseen with sadness. However, learning about the this surah is eye opening. It reaffirms the faith of the dying (and the living), it tells us about how beautiful heaven is, so you don’t have to be sad when parting this world. This is only a small portion of an overview of the tafseer (from my understanding).
2. Easing away from social media in this day and age is very challenging. I think we are all addicts. Or maybe just lonely souls trying to find a kindred spirit in the virtual space. I do find it overwhelming sometimes when I get on Facebook and Twitter. Even more so when I read comments on public pages where people argue with each other over stupid things. I don’t know why I read them. I took it to my own self to take one week away from social media (Facebook, Twitter and Instagram) for every month. And on my birthday month, I decided to take a month off. It gives me a short time of peace and quiet, time to focus on things that I think I should be doing, like reading books, doing actual research and do some soul searching. I think i will continue this effort next year.
3. Hahaha.. mimpi lah kau 53 kg. Pfft… okay, but I did manage to go to the gym more this year and also made it almost compulsory to attend the Aerobics class every Wednesday. And at one time, became a regular at our neighbourhood hiking trail. So maybe I didn't shed down to 53kg, but I am living a healthy lifestyle. At least.
4. Speed Reading.. nope. I think I still read about 400 wpm. No improvements, but I could speed it up when I read articles online. I am using Spreeder.
5. Nope. No Macbook Air. Those things are soooo 2012…. I got a better one instead. Macbook with no Air :P and it is Rose Gold in colour. If only I had known how easy it is for a PC user to get used to a Mac, I would have done it earlier. love should be easy like this.
6. It’s challenging to be disciplined for this one. I will try again next year to spend 1 hour doing something that will better myself.

Goal 2 (Family):

1. Being kind and patient towards parents is a continuous work in progress. I sometimes catch myself being rude and hasty with them, which makes me feel very guilty and sad for myself. Tak senang nak jadi anak yang solehah.
2. Ini pun sama. I try to make it a point to help mum in the kitchen and with her stuff around the house. But sometimes I let her do it in the pretence of letting her do some exercise. Boleh ke?
3. Ok all the goals here are work in progress. Jangan berkira sangat dengan adik beradik.
4. Same as the above. Although sometimes tak boleh tahan dengan perangai, but blood is thicker than water.
5. I’m trying hard. Sarcasm is embedded in me. That's how I cope with annoyance. But let's try harder next year.

Goal 3 (Work):

1. There is a story behind this goal setting. It was about a year ago, I accidentally did something that I can’t reveal here and when I realised it, it’s too late to retract my actions, so I pray to God that no one took advantage of it and cause any massive damage.
2. Jangan malu bertanya dengan senior atau boss kalau tak tau. Biarlah kau rasa macam bimbo, asalkan kau tak syok sendiri buat benda yang salah.
3. Multi-tasking takes away your focus. I now write down the tasks on a sticky pad and continue doing multi tasking and once in a while glance back to that note to see if I missed anything. Tapi it's hard not to do any other things when you're running simulations that lasts for days. I read a lot of articles online on a variety of subjects, but I know I should be doing research on my engineering work.
4. I learn to help without hoping for anything in return. And sometime, go some extent further in helping other people with their job.
5. This is a lost cause.

Goal 4 (Social):

1. I try to do volunteer work whenever I think I can. Although I think I should do more. Help students with their school fees. Try to give to the masjid donation boxes whenever I stopped by any masjid to pray. Give to verified charity organisations and tahfiz schools.
2. “Be open hearted”, I know that is not a correct phrase. What I meant was -> buka lah hati lebih sedikit. And be kind hearted. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle, physically or spiritually. Kita tak tau sebab apa orang tu macam tu, everybody deserves a second chance. Dulu aku macam strict, one strike and out. I’m trying to be more lenient and more patient with people.
3. Get to know people better and with good intentions. This particular item stems about this one person whom (ok mengumpat pulak, tapi korang tak tau dia sapa) i just met last year. At first he seems like a nice and friendly person, until all hell leashes out. Rupanya dia ni parasit dan hanya berkawan utk keuntungan dia sahaja. So I decided not to be like that person.
4. Turn up and be present. This basically means, when invited to a gathering, i have to make my best effort to attend if possible and not give any lame excuses and when I am there, no playing with the phone. Be there in the present company and pay attention. So this year, I have made it to a few gatherings, but I’ve also skipped a few.

My #bestnine in 2016. Krabi made it to the top. Melbourne didn't. Pokemon also made the year. Gambar almari dlm masjid. Social unity and two selfies.

A photo posted by Dyanنa (@dyanna299) on Dec 8, 2016 at 3:00am PST

So that is 2016 summed up based on my January goals. Let’s move on to 2017.

The "Before..." Trilogy

I spent the last long weekend watching Rich Linklater's trilogy - Before Sunrise, Before Sunset & Before Midnight (or what I call it The Before ... Trilogy). And I loved it, regardless of what the people who wrote a 1 star rating about it in IMDB. It's a love story.

In a nutshell, it's a story about two people connecting with each other. They just talk. About everything and about nothing. In all 3 movies, they talk, that spans about 1.5hrs per movie. No fighting bad guys, no epic journeys, no robots or monsters or ghosts. Just two people talking.
(Yup, my review is as shitty as those people who gave it 1 star, but I'm rating it 4 stars)

Have you ever been in an engaging conversation with someone you just met and you enjoy each other's company that both of you don't want that meeting to end? The first movie is about that.

Then they parted ways, but agreed to meet again after 6 months without exchanging any contact information and leaving it to chance. Of course, they didn't. However, they met again after 9 years and spend the rest of the afternoon talking again from where they left off. And that's the second movie.

In the last movie, it's after another 9 years where they're now together and this last one is a bit more serious where it elaborates the complexities of a relationship.

==============
Side note: Seeing Ethan Hawke in 1995 is a sight for sore eyes. However, I think he didn't aged gracefully because 9 years later, he looks worse and 18 years later is like he's off a cliff. Well, I think it proves that good looks doesn't last forever. Julie Delpy on the otherhand, ages like wine, better with age (not that I know how wine taste like).
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 In my opinion, what makes this movie about two people conversing with each other INTERESTING is that female character, Celine has her own thoughts and opinions. The male character, Jesse, is not intimidated by her intellectuality and does not condescend her. And both have fascinating conversations.

It is akin to meeting your girlfriends over some drinks. You can sit at the coffee shop for hours and have no shortage of topics to talk about. It did strike an interesting thought that if the male character was swapped with another woman, it'll be a story about two girls having never ending chit chat. Mungkinkah si lelaki ni bersifat seperti wanita? Sebab it is rare to find guys who's like the male character. Yg tak pandang rendah pada wanita dan try to shut down all her thoughts and opinions because he thinks he's better than her in all and every aspects.

Different from the 'commercial movies' ways, the female character is not hypersexualised like they usually are in most movies.

I guess another point of interest that holds the movie together is the subtle sexual tension that exists between the two throughout the whole movie. This movie is like watching two people flirting with each other for 2 hours! hahaha...

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In our lives, we'll meet many people, some of them you only meet just once in a lifetime. For one reason or another, that chance encounter is one we'll remember for the rest of our lives.

That one person you met when you and your girlfriends are out on a holiday trip in another city. A small talk with a stranger at the hotel lobby while waiting for your friends to get ready upstairs, although just kill the waiting time and a bit awkward at first but leads to some interesting knowledge that we have a friend in common. What a small world.

It would have been a passing thing if not for a coincidence that we share the same flight back home. Made way to greet the new friend, who is now a familiar face in a strange city. We talked about general things and stuff that interests us. Went about the airport shops commenting on how lousy and expensive the selections are. A stranger now has slowly transformed into a new friend. Allowing another person to come into your space and enjoy that person's company for a short while because somehow there is a connection.

Upon landing when the journey ends, said goodbye to each other, but secretly wishing that this meeting go on. And then spending the rest of your remaining lifetime questioning your life decisions.

I think this clip sums it up perfectly well. No subtitles, but it's from DDLJ.

====================

i realise that I was only talking about the first instalment of the the trilogy; Before Sunrise and then went on rambling about something else. But trust me, if you liked the first one, you'll love the rest.

These movies, it not for everyone. It is an acquired taste. So... yeah.

This heart is heavy

It is an extremely overwhelming day for me. Prior to driving down to that place, I have anticipated that the meet up would consume both my time and emotion, therefore i decided to clear out my schedule.

I partly expected that she will no longer be in the hospital. Even my friends who worked there didn't have the latest update. I started at University Hospital. Went to the last known ward, and indeed the nurse told me she was discharged a couple of days ago. They didn't kept her the family's phone number.

A dead end. But I told myself that no matter what happens, I will find her. I did not came all the way just to turn back without any outcome. An idea came, try asking Pn Azizah. I hope she still uses her old landline. The old phone number that I called her last back in 2005. Who uses landlines nowadays? It rang for the longest time ever, and then someone picks the receiver up. She does! She's still in her old house, using her old landline number. "Setia" she told me.

God works His plan in mysterious ways.

I got the house address. Went there twice. The first time, I realised came empty handed, which is quite embrassing to me. I turned around and went to the nearest store to get some fruits, at least for the family. When I returned back, there were more cars than before at her home and then there were a group of ladies wearing white and baju kurung clothing walking into the house. That made me really nervous. Oh no...I hope i'm not too late.

Turned out that I wasn't. I was just in time with her old colleagues, who happen to be just visiting, like the hundreds of others who came to visit her in the passt few weeks.

Seeing her lying there very sickly and weakly on the bed just breaks my heart. She's sleeping quietly, but I doubt it is a peaceful sleep, the sedative helps to alleviate the pain. All that plump of a woman that she was has now been reduced to skin and bones, the glow of her skin that was once there is now gone and it is difficult to find that familiar friendly smile on her face. It is a sight that you don't want your loved ones, your friends or the people that you care about, to be in.

Seems like she's been drifting in and out of conciousness. She was responsive when I held her hand and spoke to her. She tried to open her eyes. I don't know if she recognised me when she saw a glimpse of me.

But one thing that i think was magical was when her old friend spoke to her, her legs were moving. And then suddenly she raised her arm, brought her hand to her face and it seemed like she tried to wipe the tears from her eyes. That was quite powerful moment that gave me hope that she's strong enough to get through this ordeal.

I wrote her a hopeful message and left two pictures of us with friends, in hopes that when wakes up and fully aware, she'll be able to look at those pictures and be reminded that she's always in the company the people that loves her so much.

Thank you Miss Loh for being a great teacher, mentor and friend. I am glad and rest assured that you are well loved and is well surrounded and well taken care of by family and friends who loves you so much. I have witnessed today that by being a good and caring person that you are, you are receiving a lot of love and prayers from all over the world from the people that cares from you. You get back what you give. And you gave a lot of goodness to others. Kindness is a beautiful gift that keeps on giving.

I wish you well.



Photos are circa 1999-2001 in KMB.

A photo after Trem Bernama Desire play that we directed and starred ourselves.



A class photo.

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Location:Pesara Mahsuri,Pulau Jerejak,Malaysia

Being sick

In my entire life, I remember a few times when I was very terribly sick that I thought this might be "it", you know, kick the bucket sick.

The first time was when I had the flu. It wasn't the ordinary flu, I could tell you that I was bed ridden for a few days and wasn't able to get out of bed even for food. I think what made it worse was the fact that I was a thousand miles away from home and I thought I could probably have meningitis. But it was just a bad flu, but it was bad enough to make me read Yasin to myself.

The second time was when I had a fever during my work trip in Copenhagen. It was a chilly summer, but I treated it like it was a sunny summer (it was, by Scandinavian standards), and the change in weather proved that my body didn't agree. Spent the day being sick in my hotel room, thinking I might have caught H1N1 while I was travelling here (it was the thing at the time, like what Ebola is right now). My body was in pain, but it wasn't that bad, but I was Convinced that I might have bird flu and imagined the horror on the hotel maid's face when she comes to do housekeeping in my hotel room the next day.

Being sick in a foreign country, and being alone, especially, makes you think of silly things like that. I guess having family or friends with you would make the being down and sick experience abroad, a little bit more hopeful and bearable because when I had a fever during umrah, I wasn't feeling so morbid, but I think I would not mind dying in Mekah while doing my Umrah.

And then only recently, I had to be warded in the hospital for dengue fever. This time I was with family and had some morbid thoughts. The pain in my joints and bones were very real that I would feel grateful if someone came to chop off my limbs for me. The terrible headache was also so bad. I also was worried that my brain and the insides of me would turn into mush when I was sleeping and bleed to death.

Fortunately for me, I got better. Alhamdulillah. And now up and about ready to face a new day.

I think that being sick, terribly sick, helps in pulling us down closer to the ground (literally and figuratively), just so we are reminded that a small bug (virus) is able to bring you down from your lofty state of mind that you're invincible, when actually you're not.

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Raya 2014

Happy Eid. Oh, Selamat Hari Raya! Maaf zahir batin ya, people are making a fuss about Malays using Arabic terms, like, Eid. As if our flat noses will grow into hidung mak arab yang macung tu, as if. Melayu tetap lah melayu, selagi hidung tak mancung, pipi jangan tersorong-sorong.

Today's the second day of Raya and only went to two houses, was quite a mini drama.

1) accidentally gave empty raya packet to anak sepupu. Budak sekarang dah pandai buat claim, dia datang balik bagitau takde duit dalam sampul. Hehe.

2) went into a houseful of relatives with an agenda. This particular "well-meaning" aunt. boleh pulak dia nak set up aku, then bagitau satu warga rumah, except me. I felt like i've walked into a trap. Like a deer in the headlights. Like a oblivious contestant of a reality show who doesn't know she's on a reality show, and everyone is watching. Hashtag awkward. Next year I'm going to celebrate Eid overseas with strangers or cats. Cats don't set you up.

3) mood raya dah hilang. Sekian.


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Keeping up to date

Salam everyone,

Just thought that I'd say "Hi! =)" to the occasional and random blog readers here. I've been really lousy at blogging nowadays (who would have thought?!). Main reasons are:

1. There's other interfaces to be connected with, like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

2. There is no nagging voices in my head telling me to write any angsty posts anymore. Aging perhaps? I think I've mellowed down. (I can't write down the word "mellow" without thinking out loud of this phrase - if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down.- if you know where that came from, yes, it is kind of gross.

3. People only read blogs about interesting people. Like blog artis, or movies, or conspiracy theorist, or anti vaccines group. I'm none of them.

What's up with me?
I think I've found my comfort zone. I still like my work. Almost one year now in the industry and I am learning new things everyday. Just recently I've taught myself how to do Labview programming, starting from zero knowledge of Labview. Now my boss calls me an expert when I am actually just a novice. You'd scream with horror if you looked at my messy block diagram.

Apart from work, I found new hobbies (or actually revived back old ones), which are reading books and watching movies. Streaming of course. going to the cinema and pay for overpriced popcorn every week is far from economical. Occasionally dodging match makers. Annoying people with good intention. I think their good intention is for themselves and not for others. How is putting other people in an awkward spot is good? Making plans to go to the gym right down to the type of exercise routine and ending up not going. Making travel plans.

Like I said, I'm in a good spot right now. i just got my life together after a long postgrad drama. i deserve some time to calm down and to sit back. I don't have plans to make any adjustments at the moment.

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2014's Resolutions

I thought I'd put this up before January is over.




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I'm just a happy engineer with a book

I have this routine where once a week when the car tank needs to be filled up, I will go have nasi lemak breakfast at this mamak place before going to work. Since I always have breakfast alone, I will bring a book a read a page or two while waiting for my orders to arrive (playing Candy Crush is so passé)

So this morning, a peculiar thing happened.

Just as I put my book down and wanted to start eating, a lady came up to my table and said "Excuse me, may I know what book are you reading?"

Me: err...Sorry?

Complete stranger (doesn't look like danger) lady: I'm sorry, it's just that you are the first person I see reading a book at a mamak restaurant. I've been eating here quite frequently and I can say that I never see anyone reading a book here.

This is a first for me too. I've been reading books at a few places and no one has came up to me and asks me about what I am reading. not even the tukang ambil order. since this is turning out to be quite an interesting turn of event, So I told her briefly what the book is about, or what I like to call it - a verbal review. (Btw it is "Quiet" by Susan Cain). She then pulled a chair and sat across me. Ookayy... So to make it less awkward, I introduced myself and she did too.

She seems to be taken aback seeing another person reading a book in public and she is puzzled by this. Asks more question to find out more about me like if I'm a Penangite, am I a student, what do you do, gosh.. this book is expensive (RM45, yeah books in Msia are expensive)... There is one part of the conversation that amuses me:

Lady: Are you alone?
Yes.
Are you waiting for someone?
No.
Are you married?
No.
Are you engaged?
No.
Are you seeing anyone?
No.
So... You're an unattached engineer who is just happy with her book.
Yes, looks like it :)

I also learned a few things about her, which are quite interesting like she's a teacher who teaches English and Literature (wow!), writes a column for The Star and is a mother of 2. She shared some of her experiences of being a teacher and what she thinks of social networking technology, the likes of twitter, fb and blogs.

The thing about this conversation in overall is that it is does not feel creepy at all. In fact, the conversation was quite pleasant and I didn't feel like she's intrusive even if she is a stranger. She was polite and friendly.

What an interesting morning. A stranger who became a new friend, just because of one's curiosity over a book.

And since this is the age of the internet, we swapped Twitter handles. Lol. Seriously.


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2013 in pictures

I prefer photography than taking 1 second videos. It's less awkward and use up less space in the device.

Here is a selection of the many pictures I took from January to December in 2013 all combined together in a short 5.5 mins video. Sums up most of my year.

Time for reflection

it is that time of the year again to reflect back on what has happened throughout the whole year of 2013 and take stock of the good things (and bad things) which we could take a lesson or two from.

the first half of 2013 was a roller coaster ride of all sort of drama. Mostly related to my post-grad studies. not going to elaborate much because most of it is already on the blog. Sedih, marah, blur, feeling like a lost lamb, gembira (?) semua ada. Kalau sesiapa yang rasa kurang drama dalam hidup mereka, sila lah daftar diri untuk buat potgrad degree. I am just glad that is done and over with.

I moved halfway across the country back to my parents house. But before that, while I was in KL; I also have to say I enjoyed my time living there. I am glad I didn't have to do the 9-5 shiz like most of the KL-ites and could afford to do odd hours (like 10-4pm or 12-3pm) to avoid the traffic. One of the little perks of being a full time research postgrad. I met up with friends, more times than I ever had compared to when I was working. Did some 'cultured' stuff that city folks do like go to theatre performances, dance shows, orchestra, visit museums, sat through dozens of tennis showdowns and drank high price coffee at pretentious places. Ha!

But most of all, I treasure the time I manage to spend on attending Islamic talks that involves one of the religious speaker that I highly respect.

I got a job. Doing something that I believe makes more sense than my postgrad research and I don't despise is as much as my postgrad environment.

Notice how everything is somehow related back to my postgrad life? I guess, although I hated it, I still owe all my life outcome to it. If I hadn't did it in the first place, I'd still rant about my job and perhaps jumping from one field to another field which I think has greener pastures (tak bersyukur?). Then I won't have the time to meet with friends (on a weekday at 3pm some more), I also wouldn't have time to do all those 'pretentious' stuff. I wouldn't put my thinking cap on overdrive and well, maybe I'd be a different person than what I am now.

Yes, I did learnt a lot. Not just about microelectronics (specifically analog filter design), but also about other stuff in life. I know myself better. I now know that the only one who can help me out of a conundrum is The One and Mighty Allah SWT. Did I told you about the time I almost gave up and wanted to throw in the towel? That did not happened. Just moved on, although heart wasn't in on it. Was telling myself all these negative things daily. But I just ignored it and moved on (not sure it it's the heart or the brain that's negative and which one just kept on typing and doing simulations).

Which reminded me of one of Mufti Menk's talk about digging a tunnel. If we gave up in the middle of doing something, we might lose everything all together. Who knows we're only inches away from our goal? Maybe we just need to hang in there for a bit more.

"Worship your Lord, until death overtakes you."
Hadis Nabi (maaf tak tahu dr mana, tapi kata2 Mufti Menk)

As a parting post for 2013, all I want to say are:

1. If your heart is not in it, leave it. But not before you give your best.

2. Do the things that you're good at and you enjoy doing (as long as it is halal).
Don't do it because people say it's suitable for a woman (gender stereotyping, which I despise so much, but that's another topic)

3. It is normal to be miserable, spend time to remedy the issue or at least lift the load and stress a bit.

4. When in Rome, do as the Romans do ;)

5. Finish what you started.

See you again in a few days time. till then, Happy New Year :)

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Decider & Powerless

Tomorrow would be the day.
Which I so much dread, as I have no control over it anymore.

I try to mentally prepare for the worst case situation so that if it happens, I wouldn't fall from the sky because my expectations are already on or below ground level. I have also told my dad and my mum, to not have high expectations as well.

It is not that I have not failed before. I have, on many occasions. And if I do, I hope I won't have to fall into the same cycle again and go through 1-3 weeks of depression. It was not fun for me and also for the people around me. Although, talking and planning for failure is relatively easy, but going through would still be painstaking.

All in all, I think this journey have been quite gruesome, testing and not to forget, a very humbling experience. It made me realise that on my own, I cannot possibily rely solely on my own devices to reach the end of the journey.

• I've learnt that Allah SWT is the Enabler and whatever happens before, during or after some event is His decisions, and therefore, we should always ask from Him everything that is good.
• 
  
• Re-learning the concept of redha and tawakkal. When we asks from Allah for something that is good for us and our Deen, in this world and the next, then we should believe and have full faith that whatever that occur; be it good or bad (in our eyes) is really what is good for us, although we might not see it or make sense of it now.

Therefore, as a person, I honestly feel that I am totally powerless to control. Such a raw feeling to have. Like being stripped naked in an open place (not a problem if you're a nudist though).

So, if things don't go well tomorrow, I believe that it is His way of protecting me from some harm. Or maybe is guiding me towards something much more better. I hope.


Of all the money that e'er I had 
I've spent it in good company 
And all the harm that e'er I've done 
Alas it was to none but me 
And all I've done for want of wit 
To memory now I can't recall 
So fill to me the parting glass 
Good night and joy be with you all
- The Parting Glass

Haven't cleared all the hurdles yet

With the Grace and Mercy of Allah SWT, I managed to finish up my thesis correction last week and now, as I speak, it is being reviewed by the examiner (again).

How I managed to finish everything last week was beyond my belief. I won't attribute it to my efforts; because I know I did not worked as hard as I ought to; but the REAL attribute goes to the du'a (prayers) of my parents, friends and acquaintances. Maybe one or all of them have been granted by Allah SWT.

Without those precious du'a, I think I am still struggling right now collecting data and still not yet finished, pulling my hair, or curled under the blanket crying, depressed.
Jazakillahukhayrankathiran.

Now, the ball is in the examiners court. He will decide whether I'm good to go (print and bind and submit) or not. Funny (Not!) how one big moment of your life depends on the decision on a single person. I think it is an unfair system. But I'm just a lowly student, who has little and inadequate knowledge of how this "top ranking" university works.

It is still 50-50 from here. And I still need your du'as.

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Asingkan ego ku.
Letakkan di luar sebentar.
Perasaan di dalam hati ku ingin keluar.
Ingin diluahkan dan ingin diertikan.

Ego ku mengawal pergolakan didalam jiwa ku daripada dizahirkan dengan tulusnya.
Hanya titipan pena hanya aku mampu.

2 weeks in 15 seconds

A friend shared with my this TED talk : Filming One Second Everyday

It is about a man who took a year off from work and started to do all the things he wanted to do, while at the same time filming it. He then combined the ONE most interesting second of every day of the whole year into a short video.

I think it is a great idea. Mainly because nowadays people have very short attention span and 365 seconds of video is just nice to showcase without losing the audience halfway through the movie. I've also just learnt that the brain can take less than one second to process an image and within that split second we have already made up our minds about it (refer to Blink! -by Gladwell).

We've decided to do the same thing but instead of a year,  we carried out this activity for just two weeks. In the course of my two weeks experiment, I've went out with friends, stayed indoors, hanged out with the family. There are some boring days, and there are some fun days outing with family and friends. Well, that's just life.

Having a mobile phone that could take videos almost immediately is also a good thing for this purpose. I still need to get used to taking videos because my "auto" documenting mode is taking still pictures.

Anyway, I will share my two weeks worth of life in 15 seconds here:

Postgrad Will Make You Believe In God (Part II)

This second part took some time to be published, let's hope it is still within context.

Last time, I spoke about doing my MEng and had a weird and horrible time going through the darker stages of my life, when I was not near to God.

Now that I am much more older and hoping that I am much more wiser (yeah, 5 years fresh from the last experience), I decided to embark on the journey again, now doing my MEngSc. It was actually supposed to be PhD, but there was some technicalities and I fell on the short end of luck, I had to do my Masters first instead. I was filled with so much confidence that I believed I will be able to complete my Masters within or less than two years (which wasn't the case and I ended up extending by two more semesters, more about that later).

So this time, I wanted my postgrad experience to be different from the last time. I also prayed that I won't fall into depression again like last time in UK. I promised myself that I won't deliberately miss any of the 5 fard prayers and keep in check my actions. In addition to that, I was also almost entirely sure that the Mayan predicted the apocalypse will bound to happen in 22 Dec 2012. So, yeah... better be safe than sorry.

All in all there weren't any dramatic experiences to share about this except that in that course of two years, I did not realised that I was also on a journey of self-discovery. The thing that I discovered was I hated my postgrad life, I was dissapointed by the university system, did not get much support from my supervisor, felt like I was left hanging and most of all I realised I felt "lost" most of the time. Lost in academia. and also I was easily distracted by the internetz. It's very disorganised and I was overwhelmed. That is the reason why I had to extend my postgrad duration, because I needed to find the right path back to the goal.

Maybe it was the perfect timing of the revolution of conciousness that has started, but I noticed that there were many friends posting a lot of useful and mind opening Islamic content on fb. I've also found many useful websites that are working for the betterment of the ummah and some could even rival the main non-islamic websites that discusses productivity and thoughts. They were Productive Muslim and Muslim Matter. I've also discovered a few notable speakers that clicks with me, Nouman Ali Khan, Nasir Jangda and Yasmin Mogahed. So during some free time, when I was not distracted by the internet, I would listen to Podcasts from these speakers and also read articles from the websites and learn from them.

I've hit a brick wall many times. I have been going in circles for the first 3-4 months trying to figure out how the active indutor worked, tried the get help from my supervisor and the only brilliant thing that came from her was "do reverse engineering". So I did some solat hajat and made specific du'a asking to get me out of this Groundhog day. And indeed He did took me out from that vicious cycle, I forgot how but I could see how the gyrator theory works.

Realising that my progress will only depend on the will of God, I always asks Him for help whenever I come to a brick wall. However, I still feel miserable doing my thesis. I don't know why? I feel like quitting everyday. Is this what we are supposed to feel? my dad and Sheri both said it was normal. I think I can feel Atik agrees too.

However, despite the terribile feeling I had, the good thing is that I did not lose my mind and did not pushed away any human contact with anyone. Socially, I was a butterfly. So my mind and emotion in this section was spared from torment. But maybe I did tormented my friends with my continous laments about how my masters sucked.

I think I was less 'suicidal' working on this postgrad is because of the Grace of God, even despite all the hardship and mental challenge and lack of motivation, I was still able to gather relevant data and finish my thesis and still in one piece. I believe that all my prayers and supplications did gave positive results.

Eventhough I was broken, there was a higher power that picked me up and super glued me back together. Thank you Allah.




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Postgrad will make you believe in God (Part 1)

This sentence might sound very dramatic, but your postgrad experience will make you find and believe in God... and if you don't, you'll go down the dark and winding road to Crazytown.

I've been in the two places before and none of them are easy.

When you are distance yourself away from God, you are creating an empty space in your heart. That empty space within you will quickly be filled with dark things; basically the whispers of syaitan and weird thoughts. When I was doing my first Masters degree, I did not have a very good relationship with God. Back in the days I did not pray on time, and sometimes deliberately miss my prayers, just because. I disliked or made fun of people who are close to the Deen. It's not like I was a party-goer or doing nasty things like indecency or drinking alcohol things like that. I was just 'distanced' and all alone in that weird reality I've created for myself.

When you go about doing stuff outdoors with people, you just don't feel it. But once you're alone in your room, it starts to overcome you slowly, but surely.

Here is the thing, you don't write your thesis in a crowded room. You don't write your thesis by dictating your sentences to a secretary or do it in  group. Normally, thesis writing is done in a quiet room, you alone, sometimes typing away on the keyboard into the late nights and early mornings, not just for a day, but it goes on many nights and sometimes months. And that is when IT starts to creep in and messes with my mind.

I've started to hate people, even my own best friends. Having conversations in my head thinking that people are conspiring against me. Kept myself in my room and did not leave the small space except in the middle of the night and tip-toeing in the dark just to avoid talking to people. I did not talk to people for many days, and the only conversation I had was with the voices in my head. It's hard to explain here but I felt like I was someone else, someone with a darker personality. It might just be depression, but it was killing me from the inside and I even seriously considered taking drugs (only that I don't know where to get it) and also cutting myself. In that dark times, I've almost severed my friendship. It really took a toll on my. Even until today, I don't dare to open up the journal I've written during those dark times.

I did eventually finished my thesis, submitted it and got passing grades, but I really hated myself at that time.

And that, is what happens when you don't have God in your heart.

2013 Resolutions

Welcome to the New Year 2013.
Every year we lament time passes quickly. The same for 2012. But that doesn't stop us from improving ourselves.

Here are the things that I hope to happen in 2013 (things that are beyond my control):
- I'll get a job soon. I really need to pay my debts (USM, cars and money borrowed from Mama)
- get to go to Umrah
- get the chance to travel to new places like Germany or Australia
- Graduation! M. Eng. Sc.

Here are the things that I want to do ( things that i can control):
- when I get a job and steady income, I want to control my investment. Short term ones and make at least 20% profit by the end of 2013
- make new friends
- try not to shake hands with non-mahrams (men)
- dress more modestly (socks and shoes), no three quarters without covering.
- learn something new OR improve my mandarin.
- be more patient while driving (no rage).


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2012 in review

The last few days of 2012 are the days I usually reflect back on the year that will pass and plan for a new year ahead. Let's take stock on what has (or has not) happened in 2012:

The "Has":

1. The first thing that I am glad of is that I have finally finished and submitted my thesis. It's been a very big dragging thing throughout the year.
2. Committed myself to the gym for three months. Then off again for many months and then on again for a few weeks. This thing is not easy to become a habit, but I do try.
3. Had a good year spent with the family. Although I did not go for any exotic holiday overseas, I am content that I've spent my holidays at home.
4. Went to see a lot of movies.
5. Had nice gathering with friends. I am glad of this because I don't do this a lot when I was in Penang.
6. Learnt a lot about Islam, being a Muslim and spiritual beliefs. I hope I will be able to retain the knowledge and act upon it.

The "Has Not":

1. I am glad I do not have to go run to the hills and live in the jungle. Was a bit nervous about 21/12/2012 and almost thought that I will have to be like Katniss Everdeen. No I did not kept rations of food in the cupboard that could last me for 3 months because I do not have money.
2. I am also glad that I did not went into depression due to the thesis writing, although I think I also went mad while writing. This is not a joke because I seriously think writing a thesis could bring yourself to the brink of an emotional breakdown like what happened the last time in 2004. Maybe living alone helped me in this.Maybe no PhD for me.
3. My bad knee has not improved. I'm starting to notice the pain on a daily basis and sometimes it's hard to sleep at night with the nagging pain.
4. Not met life-long travel buddy yet.
5. Has not got a job yet. Although has started looking.

Fall and rise again, then fall.

Today is the 1st Muharram 1434(?). New Islamic year.
I personally feel that this this year has come and gone too fast.
And I honestly feel like I have not done enough this year.

There is a new "old" battle I'm struggling to fight this year. Sometimes I win and sometimes I don't. And when I lose, I feel like such a failure and all my previous efforts have been thrown down the drain. But knowing that Allah is The Most Merciful, I pick myself up and start again. Many times I have faltered. Sometimes I feel like I'm not putting enough effort to put up a fight. Sometimes I have doubts that He will forgive me for I have failed so many times, like I am not serious enough.

From what I learn and heard, He loves His servants more when they fall and they get back up again and asks for His help, guidance and forgiveness.

Wallahualam.


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Thesis and the works

I got back my third thesis draft last Friday afternoon. I am still mulling over what to do with it. The feedback was, I think, positive and hopeful, given the fact that I toiled day and night to get it done, therefore I deserved a good feedback. Well, my supervisor did not look enthusiastic when she returned it, so I was confused, whether it was a good good feedback, or a bad good feedback. Maybe I'm over analysing it.

I did not get the tuition fees reduction that I requested. The deputy dean said that he will approve the reduction only if I submitted my thesis in September, and I was only informed about it in October! Like, what the what??! Right?!

So I was thinking, since I won't get any fees reduction even if I submit early or late, as long as I submit my thesis within this semester I am good enough already. I will take my time to collect/correct my data, conduct a seminar and get that one journal paper submitted and published this semester. Therefore, my "procrastination allowances" is extended until March 2013.

I also have officially started applying for jobs since last Monday. We will see how that goes.


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