Time for reflection

it is that time of the year again to reflect back on what has happened throughout the whole year of 2013 and take stock of the good things (and bad things) which we could take a lesson or two from.

the first half of 2013 was a roller coaster ride of all sort of drama. Mostly related to my post-grad studies. not going to elaborate much because most of it is already on the blog. Sedih, marah, blur, feeling like a lost lamb, gembira (?) semua ada. Kalau sesiapa yang rasa kurang drama dalam hidup mereka, sila lah daftar diri untuk buat potgrad degree. I am just glad that is done and over with.

I moved halfway across the country back to my parents house. But before that, while I was in KL; I also have to say I enjoyed my time living there. I am glad I didn't have to do the 9-5 shiz like most of the KL-ites and could afford to do odd hours (like 10-4pm or 12-3pm) to avoid the traffic. One of the little perks of being a full time research postgrad. I met up with friends, more times than I ever had compared to when I was working. Did some 'cultured' stuff that city folks do like go to theatre performances, dance shows, orchestra, visit museums, sat through dozens of tennis showdowns and drank high price coffee at pretentious places. Ha!

But most of all, I treasure the time I manage to spend on attending Islamic talks that involves one of the religious speaker that I highly respect.

I got a job. Doing something that I believe makes more sense than my postgrad research and I don't despise is as much as my postgrad environment.

Notice how everything is somehow related back to my postgrad life? I guess, although I hated it, I still owe all my life outcome to it. If I hadn't did it in the first place, I'd still rant about my job and perhaps jumping from one field to another field which I think has greener pastures (tak bersyukur?). Then I won't have the time to meet with friends (on a weekday at 3pm some more), I also wouldn't have time to do all those 'pretentious' stuff. I wouldn't put my thinking cap on overdrive and well, maybe I'd be a different person than what I am now.

Yes, I did learnt a lot. Not just about microelectronics (specifically analog filter design), but also about other stuff in life. I know myself better. I now know that the only one who can help me out of a conundrum is The One and Mighty Allah SWT. Did I told you about the time I almost gave up and wanted to throw in the towel? That did not happened. Just moved on, although heart wasn't in on it. Was telling myself all these negative things daily. But I just ignored it and moved on (not sure it it's the heart or the brain that's negative and which one just kept on typing and doing simulations).

Which reminded me of one of Mufti Menk's talk about digging a tunnel. If we gave up in the middle of doing something, we might lose everything all together. Who knows we're only inches away from our goal? Maybe we just need to hang in there for a bit more.

"Worship your Lord, until death overtakes you."
Hadis Nabi (maaf tak tahu dr mana, tapi kata2 Mufti Menk)

As a parting post for 2013, all I want to say are:

1. If your heart is not in it, leave it. But not before you give your best.

2. Do the things that you're good at and you enjoy doing (as long as it is halal).
Don't do it because people say it's suitable for a woman (gender stereotyping, which I despise so much, but that's another topic)

3. It is normal to be miserable, spend time to remedy the issue or at least lift the load and stress a bit.

4. When in Rome, do as the Romans do ;)

5. Finish what you started.

See you again in a few days time. till then, Happy New Year :)

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The Misadventures of Dyanna

I love to use public transport when travelling from place to place. One is because it is adventurous and two, i could sleep on my journey. However, not getting to choose your seating partner is one of the hazards of travelling alone.

I have a few stories of misfortunes related to my travel adventures, especially encounters with the weird and creepy men making their 'advances' or flirt with me, and the one that happened two Sundays ago went straight to the top of The Creep list.

I was on the bus back to my hometown and did not managed to get a single seat for the journey, so I got to a double seat. Since the double seats were empty, I choose the one near the windows (first mistake). After 10 minutes of settling down and the bus starts to fill up, an old man (maybe in his 60's) came to sit next to me. He was quite short, dark skinned, white hairs in his beard and half bald head, wearing tatty clothes and had cheap tobacco smell (kretek?) in his breath.

I did not acknowledged him, smiled nor made eye contact with him at all. I'm just sitting at my seat, looking out the window and minding my own business.

Then he started the conversation asking if the bus is going to this and that place. Naturally, I answered his question. Then he asked whether I could help him set his phone to share-a-top-up of RM3 to a person. He looked so old and clueless about technology, so being the techno-geek that I am, I was willing to help (maybe that was my second mistake). He had this very old Nokia phone that doesn't have colour screen or even a camera on it.

Then after everything was settled, he started chatting and asking me simple honest questions like where I studied, what course I am taking and what sort of loan I am using to finance my studies. Then he thinks it would be fun playing trivia; what is the highest place in Kedah? (Gunung Jerai), which olace receives the most rain in Msia? (Taiping), Which states doesn't have airports? (Perlis, Melaka, N9, we were not sure), Which part of the airplane journey is the most exciting? (Take-off and landing), and many more that it gets to a point if being annoying coz he's preventing me from sleeping and I can't listen to my iPod :(

Well, I don't like to lie, but this fella has started to annoy me with all this useless questions so I don't feel like telling him the truth about myself. Anyway, i don't think my answers would benefit him in anyway. In all my encounters with suspiciously weird people, on most occasions, I will never tell true fun facts about myself because that is just dangerous. Fake my name, age and phone numbr. Stranger is Danger!

So that Sunday, I was Rohani Sani, 24 years old in my final year undergrad doing engineering degree with a MARA loan, who stays in a hostel in UKM and is engaged to a guy from Damansara who is slightly tanned than me and doing a course in Business Admin. Yes, it was quite an elaborate lie because the dude starts to asks private questions about myself, so I had to make up an imaginary fiance because of the following events...

Things started to get creepy when he asks me this questions... Say that you're married, will you allow your husband to marry another woman?

Then he starts telling me his woeful life story about he and his wife. And that he still has "needs". -cringe!

Then he told me he had married another woman in secret in Thailand and soon divorced his Thai wife because he found her with another man in a hotel. -ookaayyy..

Then he says he have met 10 other women who are willing to marry him (you would not believe it if you've seen his face! Ye, statement kejam, tapi benar). I told him I don't believe it, he then proceeded to show me some text messages in his outdated phone. One of them reads "Thx syg... Bagi kredit dkt I. Jumpa nanti bila syg sampai. Muahs". He says it was from his 24 years old girlfriend in Kedah. -I just wanted to vomit there and then. This guy is OLD enough to be her father.

And do you know where this dude finds these so-called "girlfriends"? From the late night radio show called Jalinan Kasih (or something like that) and tells me to listen to it some time and on facebook. This dude even has facebook! I bet he goes to the public library to access his fb account.

Well, he can't marry any of these girls because his wife did not gave him permission to take a second wife.

Then it gets more "interesting". He says why don't we play a game, he'll sing a song and I guess the name of the song. And he started to sing. He sang, loudly to me on a bus filled with strangers, I was like Oh My God, he did not just did that?!! He sang songs that when it first came out, people were still using gramophones to play those songs! Tak pernah dengar pun! Most of the songs he sang were love songs from singers who had a single letter in front if their names like P.Ramlee or A. Ramlie or whatever. I told him "pak cik, I don't even know these singers".

This is far from the romantic scenes I imagined when a man serenades me with a romantic song like in Hindi movies (-_-)

Then he told me, Why don't you sing a song and I'll guess? "pakcik, I only listen to stesen mat saleh", so he went quiet, for a while, then said 'i know a modern song'... And sang a song he said was by Kumpulan Kristal. He said I could sing those songs to my husband when I get married. I was like: WTF?!!

Here are clips that I secretly recorded..


I'm starting to have an inkling that this conversation and golden age love song serenading is leading to somewhere and the red flag is up. Then BAM! He asks me a "rhetorical" questions.

Say that there is a guy, who is much older than me really wants to marry me, would I accept?

Then another;

Say that my dad forced me to marry an older rich person who has a bungalow and a ferrari, would I be happy?

O.M.G. Dia mesti tanya pasal dia lah tu. mampus aku.

So I said, I don't think so because tidak sekufu, pendapat tak sama, Pemikiran zaman tak sama dan lagu yg pakcik nyanyi pun saya tak pernah dengar. Duit bukan segalanya, tp kalau miskin pun tak bagus juga.
Kahwin paksa adalah haram dalam Islam dan apa2 yang melanggar hukum Allah memang tak berkat. And no, this thing between us is not going to happen.

He then invited, no, actually it was more like, insisted to treat me lunch when the bus stopped at an R&R. I politely declined giving excuses of vomiting and motion sickness, but he kept on insisting. Omg. Why can't you give me a break?

I could feel his dirty disgusting eyes looking at me when he kept commenting how fair, pretty and decently clothed I was. I know he was lying because I am none of those things. I felt kind of violated so I pulled my laptop bag and put it on my lap and tried to cover as much of my body with that bag. I also feel like I wanted to slap him there and then, but I prayed that God protect me from his evil intentions.

I was very uncomfortable for most of the journey, mainly because this sleazy old man is creeping into my personal space and also I really had to go to the toilet. When the bus stopped (upon my request) for bathroom break (Thank God!), I went to change my seat. Good bye old man, I hope that is the last I see of you, ever! And Thank God the bus did not stopped at any R&R and I did not have think of any excuses to avoid from eating at the same table with him.

Yucks! Yucks! Yucks!

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Sitting for exams is likemgoing to war

At this point of time, almost all 17 year olds are sitting for their SPM exams, including my baby sister. I wish her all the best and I pray that she will succeed with flying colours. I know she worked hard preparing for the exams since January, so I hope all her efforts and hard work will be paid off handsomely.

I remember my SPM exams. The exams weren't that hard, the tough part was preparation. Being in an MRSM didn't make studying any easier. Everyone's a genius, but if you're not, you have to work hard to be one.

Exams are part of a student's life, like it or not, everyone has to sit down for one. Looking back at my many years of examination experiences, here's some of my advise or points:

1) Preparing for the exams is like preparing for war. You need to strategise. Five or four months before the big exams, I'd lay down a study plan and draw up a chart of all the subjects and sub topics that needs to be covered. Paste the plan on a wall and strike them out once I covered them. That way I know How is my progress and whether I need to speed up my studying pace or not.

2) Read text books first. Write notes based on text books. Then read the Reference books (buku rujukan). Write notes based on Reference books. Then cross reference both books and notes to make a summarised notes. Yeah, crazy, coz I don't have a good memory I need to go through a subject over and over again to get it tattooed in my brain. Made sure I'd write colourful notes on flashcards. My favorite thing is writing on an A4 paper folded four times so it'll look like a little book. That works for History, Biology, Chemistry, Agama, etc.

3) For subjects that requires a lot of calculation requires a lot of exercise practise. And I mean A LOT. Maths and Physics, I can't just memorise the formulas, I had to do all the long divisions and stadard deviations and integrations, a thousand times if I must, just to get the concepts in my head.

4) Find the best time to study. My most productive time to study is at late, until the wee hours of morning. Find a good place to study. I had found a secret/quiet place to study where no one could find and bother me and thank God I didn't have to share it with anyone else. Perfect solace. Find a study partner who's committed to the study plan. This is sometimes hard to find, but there's at least one person who agrees with your study plans doesn't think it's stupid or too much work or too impossible to achieve. And normally that friend is another hardworking person like you.

How do you study for your exams?



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Shoddy work

I am adding a kitchen cabinet in the *ahem* kitchen.

There has been a few stumbling blocks that I've encountered and it seems like everything is a mess and did not went as well and smooth as I expected. I don't know where it went wrong.

1. I was made to understand everything will be completed in less than a week. Now it has been almost one month already.

2. As a customer, I expect the sales person would be the coordinator of everything. However, I think I've been unofficially hired to be the coordinator; arranging and scheduling the time slots for the cabinet men, the cooker hood men, the solid surface men, the plumbing man.

3. These men pops up at the apartment without informing me before hand. There's been a few incidents where I just arrived at the computer lab and 30 minutes later some contractor calls me up telling me they're waiting for me at the guard house. A call the day or night before to inform me this would have saved me a lot of useless travelling.

4. The colours of the cabinet doors were wrong.

5. When they took it back to change to the right colour, now it doesn't match with the rest of the compartments. Sigh.

6. The plumbing guy screwed up the pipes that connects the kitchen and the washing machine. Double sigh. Now the plumbing pipes are all over the place and it's not done neatly. What is worse is that now i see water seeping out from beneath the newly installed cabinets.

7. One of the cabinet door opens in the wrong direction. Changing it would mean ruining the wood work of the door.

8. The cooking gas is leaking.

Le sigh. I don't know if this is supposed to be a test or a lesson? Test my compassion? Test me to think out of the box? A lesson not to help melayu again? A lesson to always look in the details of everything that other people do and not trust their workmanship?

As a customer/ buyer, I should have the "peace of mind" when I leave the work to be done by these workers. Am I negligent? Should I be hovering and looking over their shoulders all the time so that they would install the doors and pipes correctly and properly?

What i know is that, if you want to do things right, you have to do it on your own. That much is true. I think I want to re-do the plumbing again myself.

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Thoughts about my journey in research and writing so far

Hi there,

Finally some spare time for me to pen some thoughts in this forgotten blog(s). Some update regarding myself, I've been really busy in the past few months trying to get all the correct results and start writing my thesis. Last week, I've finally handed in my first draft to my supervisor for checking and now I'm patiently waiting for the correction instructions (or maybe a red duct tape wrapped around the whole stack of papers with a note on it saying "This is SHIT" -in Steve Jobs kind of way).



Doing this Master's business is not really as dandy as I (or anyone) thought it would be. I don't know what is the correct way to succeed in this thing. Work hard? Work smart? Work differently? Don't work at all? The formula is different for different people.

But what does work is determination to reach the end. In one piece with every limb intact. Just do anything you need to do to get to the end. It is a rough road.

Maybe that is just me. I've never had good experiences with thesis writing. The first time I did in my undergrad, I think I went semi-crazy and drove away some friends. The second time for my first Master's degree, I was hospitalised for some unknown pain in my abdomen. I don't know why I've decided to go through it again for the third time? Fortunately, I've not been hospitalised (but I've visited the hospital a few times now for the knee issue), or totally cut myself off from society. So I hope keep it this way for a few more months until it's done.

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The truth about getting out of your comfort zone

Something to think about over the weekend and re-strategize for next week.






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As Muslims, we perform solat

I hope you remember the story about the time Rasulullah SAW was being taken to see Allah SWT on the night of Israk and Mikraj. Where at first Allah has instructed upon us to perform 50 prayers daily. However, after Musa AS spoke to Rasulullah SAW and said even his (Musa) followers would not be capable of performing 50 prayers and asks for reduction from Allah. Rasulullah SAW returned to Allah a few more times and the prayers were reduced to 40, then 30, 20, 10 and finally 5.

In this story, lies the virtue of the Mercy of Allah SWT. He is the Most Considerate and the Most Merciful. With that 5 prayers, we are given the same deeds as doing the 50. Now that is a super great deal for Muslims. 5 is very easy, say, compared to 50.

I'll be honest, sometimes I can't even complete all 5 at its given time. Things get in the way, sleep, work, fun, travel,embarassment. In my younger days, I was even worse. Which is a shame really, because if Rasulullah didn't ask for reductions, and we would still be doing 50 prayers, I would then fail miserably.

My daily prayers is something that I need to keep a close observation on. An action that needs to be improved and reflected upon. For after all, it is the first thing that we are being questioned when we stand before Allah SWT on Judgement Day.

This article below shares the experience of a fellow Muslim and I hope it will be useful for us.

Main thing to remember:
You do not schedule your prayers to fit your life, but instead schedule your life around your prayers.


Daliah Merzaban: How To Pray Five Times A Day With A Busy Work Schedule

Before I genuinely began to cultivate and nurture my relationship with God, I regarded the five daily prayers that Islam enjoins on believers as laborious. It seemed impractical to expect that I would be able to stop what I was doing during my busy work schedule to take time out and pray.

Working as a news wire journalist, I was often spending upwards of 10 hours a day in the office or at conferences, interviews and meetings, barely able to make time for a lunch break. If I wasn't working, my time was divided between house chores, errands, family and friends, and exercise. I was punctual with everything in my life, except that I was late five times a day.

In my mind, it was not viable to expect that I could wake up before the crack of dawn to pray the early-morning prayer, fajr, otherwise I would be too tired to work effectively later that morning. It also seemed inefficient to interrupt my work meetings to pray duhr, the mid-day prayer, and asr, the afternoon prayer.

Making the sunset prayer maghrib was often a challenge because the window to pray is typically quite short and coincides with the time between finishing work, having dinner and returning home. So, in effect, the only prayer that was feasible for me to pray on time was isha, the evening prayer. For most of my life, thus, I would at best pray all five prayers in the evening, or skip prayers here and there to accommodate my immediate commitments.

Without realising it, my inconsistency and approach to praying trivialised the principle behind performing prayers throughout the day. I believed in God and loved Him, but on my own terms, not on the terms very clearly set out in the Quran and Prophetic teachings. Yet praying the five daily prayers, at their prescribed times, is the backbone of being a Muslim; we cannot stand upright in our faith without them. It is one of the essential practices that God has called on those who endeavour to live in Islam, a state of existence whereby a human strives to live in submission to God.

When I came to truly understand the importance of prayer, the realisation was both overwhelming and quick. It dawned on me that if I was not fulfilling this precondition, then I really could not claim to be Muslim. Even if I desired to have a solid connection with the Almighty I was not taking the necessary steps to do so. I promptly reoriented my life and it has now been a year and a half that I have not intentionally missed a prayer time, whether I am in the office, mall, grocery store, out with friends or travelling.

Looking back, I see how wrong I was about the impracticality of Islamic prayers, which are succinct and straightforward notwithstanding their resonance. When I moved from trying to fit prayers into my life to fitting my life around my prayer schedule, I instantly removed a great deal of clutter from my daily routine. Since regular prayer promotes emotional consistency and tranquillity, I began to eliminate excess negativity and cut down on unnecessary chitchat, helping me be more focused, productive and patient.

Over a short period of time, what amazed me was how easy and fluid the prayers became. Performing the early-morning prayer actually gave me a burst of energy during the day and, gradually, the prayers that I had initially perceived as cumbersome became an essential facet of my routine. With God's help, I would find ways to make a prayer regardless of the hurdles. While in Canada for the summer, I would often catch duhr prayer in a department store fitting room, with the help of a handy Islamic prayer compass application on my Iphone.

"'Verily the soul becomes accustomed to what you accustom it to.' That is to say: what you at first burden the soul with becomes nature to it in the end."

This is a line drawn from a magnificent book I am in the process of reading by great Islamic thinker Al-Ghazali, entitled "Invocations and Supplications: Book IX of the Revival of Religious Sciences." Al-Ghazali describes a series of formulas, drawn from the Qur'an and Hadith, which we can repeat to help us attain greater proximity to the divine and purify our hearts.

At each turn in my quest to enrich my faith, I have found that what at first appears difficult becomes easy when performed with sincerity. Soon after I reoriented my life to revolve around prayer, the five prayers felt insufficient in expressing my devotion. I examined Hadith, or the traditions of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, and discovered there were optional prayers I could add to my routine. Since then, I have not let a day pass without praying them.

To supplement my prayers, I have integrated various zikr, or remembrance and mentioning of God, into my days. Zikr, including repeating such phrases as "la illa ha il Allah" (There is no God but God), habitually draws our attention back to God.

Among the many rich invocations mentioned in Ghazali's book is this one which I have started to incorporate. As we leave our houses each day, if we say "In the name of God" (Bismillah), God will guide us; when we add "I trust in God" (Tawakalt al Allah), God will protect us; and if we conclude with "There is no might or power save with God" (La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah), God will guard us.

I suppose to an outsider, these acts of devotion can appear a bit obsessive, and I have had a couple of people say this to me. Yet it is an obsession with the greatest possible consequences that can improve rather than disintegrate one's disposition. The more time I devote to God, the greater the peace of mind I find filling my life and the more focused I become on what is important -- such as treating my family and friends honourably, working hard in my job, giving charity with compassion and generosity, and maintaining integrity.

Remembering God throughout the day, through prayer and invocation, truly does polish the heart as Hadith teaches; you erase obstructions that would impede faith in its purest form.

"Truly when a man loves a thing, he repeatedly mentions it, and when he repeatedly mentions a thing, even if that may be burdensome, he loves it," writes Ghazali.

$#!+ i said

Something happened today that ruined our plans. One person grunted about this. I said, "Shit like this happens and things don't go as planned. That's life."

That's my advise for today, given by Forrest Gump a decade ago.
- Shit happens.


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Drafts from the Past (2): Wearing Hijab during tense situation

More of posts from the past. (Seems like I don't have much ideas on what to write about, eh?)... this was written in 05/08/2005.

According to a national newspaper here, a fatwa has been released that allowed Muslim women to take off their hijab following the recent London bombings that occured less than a month ago.

"In the present tense situation, with the rise of attacks on Muslims, we advise
Muslim women who fear being attacked physically or verbally to remove their
hijab so as not to be identified by those hostile to Muslims."

"Dress is meant to protect from harm, not to invite it"

This was said by Dr. Zaid Badawi; one of the progressive Muslim leaders here.
It is unfair how some portion of the society do nasty things and say nasty words to a women. It is not our fault....

Consisted of a few paragraphs and it was not even completed...haish..
Wrote this after my parents left for Msia after my graduation. Parents came to visit, but a few days before they arrived, London was rocked by the devastating train and bus bombings on 7/7/05. Fortunately it did not happened when they arrived because it could have been us (visiting London and taking public transportation were our plans). It did threw our schedules and visits out of the window now that my parents are bit more extra nervous about getting around and walking in public.

Majority of Muslims around the world have been the victim of extremist groups, Muslim and Non-Muslim for that matter. One small group of people, creating terror. It doesn't help that the rest of the world likes to stereotyping and applying it to the rest of the group...

Only when total emergency 'darurat' that we should consider removing the hijab. But for me, personally I would not remove my hijab whatever happens. Unless it's being forcefully pulled off my head or I am constantly getting serious death threats that the authorities can't protect me from. I hope it doesn't get to that in my lifetime, ever.

Drafts from the Past (1): Of losing keys and mind

Blogger has done a lot of layout changes. This new one has a 'minimalist' feel to it, although I honestly feel there's more clutter than before. Like everything else (incl Facebook) we need to get used to it and go on with our daily lives. Continue to stalk others online and also continue to feed the stalkers with latest blog and status updates ;)


I sifted through posts and stumbled upon a dozen of old draft posts that I've written in coon ages ago. Maybe I'll just post it for the sake of 'lessons learnt'.


Here's a story that happened to me back in Sept 2004 after I returned back to Cardiff from summer holiday. i wrote this post below in 2004 and i decided to leave it unedited.

It was a very(x10000000) chaotic and tiring week, last week. I was, literally, kicked out of my rented house. Imagine trying to pack everything (you'll be amazed by the amount of stuff that i bought over these past 3 years), every tiny bit of things from your room to the kitchen in just a couple of days and imagine moving them out of the house in just one single night.

In the process of moving out, a string of unfortunate events managed to befall upon me.

I borrowed a friend's car to help us move. While we were unloading the car, the car keys slipped off my fingers and slided straight down a drain which is 4 feet deep. We tried to retrieve it using a long umbrella and a hanger, but it just made things worse.. the keys started to sink deeper into the mud and leaves.To add to this horrible accident, it rained heavily. So, that night, there were 3 girls, and a pair of middle-aged couple and a few passers by standing in the middle of the rain staring into the drain hole. Nobody was able to help, including the security guard.

Luckily, my friend has 2 spare keys.Now I have to 'buat kunci baru' for him.. Sorry dude.

Proses pemindahan berlangsung semalaman hingga pukul 4 pagi. Bersambung pula pada pukul 7 pagi hingga pukul 4 petang.But there was still a few things left, like a waist high fridge, computer monitor and a radio. We decided to pick those things uptomorrow, because everybody needed a rest.

That evening, I went back to my old house to pick up my bicycle. And unfortunately, I terbertembung dgn old lanlord yg kejam dan zalim itu.Dia membebel dan berlecture dgn panjang lebar... terpaksa la memekakkan telinga and menebalkan muka.. and as if that is not enough.. he told me he wanted to change the door lock tomorrow morning and nak tak nak kena kosongkan rumah that instance. So, there I was, trying to move the fridge, monitor and the radio out of the house all by myself.

[end].
It ended there. I guess I wanted to write more, but I didn't -God knows why that day, hence it was saved as draft. 


I still remember how I felt that day. Bleak, tired, guilty, embarrassed (for losing my friend's car keys. I remember writing a very long and somewhat extensive apology letter to him -he might think I was going nuts at that time), was slightly depressed because had to move loads of stuff and I've just started my final year classes. It was crraazzzyy..  


Gone through a day of hell and survived. I am a tough cookie.


People come and go. Memories stays, until you get Alzheimer's.