Time for reflection

it is that time of the year again to reflect back on what has happened throughout the whole year of 2013 and take stock of the good things (and bad things) which we could take a lesson or two from.

the first half of 2013 was a roller coaster ride of all sort of drama. Mostly related to my post-grad studies. not going to elaborate much because most of it is already on the blog. Sedih, marah, blur, feeling like a lost lamb, gembira (?) semua ada. Kalau sesiapa yang rasa kurang drama dalam hidup mereka, sila lah daftar diri untuk buat potgrad degree. I am just glad that is done and over with.

I moved halfway across the country back to my parents house. But before that, while I was in KL; I also have to say I enjoyed my time living there. I am glad I didn't have to do the 9-5 shiz like most of the KL-ites and could afford to do odd hours (like 10-4pm or 12-3pm) to avoid the traffic. One of the little perks of being a full time research postgrad. I met up with friends, more times than I ever had compared to when I was working. Did some 'cultured' stuff that city folks do like go to theatre performances, dance shows, orchestra, visit museums, sat through dozens of tennis showdowns and drank high price coffee at pretentious places. Ha!

But most of all, I treasure the time I manage to spend on attending Islamic talks that involves one of the religious speaker that I highly respect.

I got a job. Doing something that I believe makes more sense than my postgrad research and I don't despise is as much as my postgrad environment.

Notice how everything is somehow related back to my postgrad life? I guess, although I hated it, I still owe all my life outcome to it. If I hadn't did it in the first place, I'd still rant about my job and perhaps jumping from one field to another field which I think has greener pastures (tak bersyukur?). Then I won't have the time to meet with friends (on a weekday at 3pm some more), I also wouldn't have time to do all those 'pretentious' stuff. I wouldn't put my thinking cap on overdrive and well, maybe I'd be a different person than what I am now.

Yes, I did learnt a lot. Not just about microelectronics (specifically analog filter design), but also about other stuff in life. I know myself better. I now know that the only one who can help me out of a conundrum is The One and Mighty Allah SWT. Did I told you about the time I almost gave up and wanted to throw in the towel? That did not happened. Just moved on, although heart wasn't in on it. Was telling myself all these negative things daily. But I just ignored it and moved on (not sure it it's the heart or the brain that's negative and which one just kept on typing and doing simulations).

Which reminded me of one of Mufti Menk's talk about digging a tunnel. If we gave up in the middle of doing something, we might lose everything all together. Who knows we're only inches away from our goal? Maybe we just need to hang in there for a bit more.

"Worship your Lord, until death overtakes you."
Hadis Nabi (maaf tak tahu dr mana, tapi kata2 Mufti Menk)

As a parting post for 2013, all I want to say are:

1. If your heart is not in it, leave it. But not before you give your best.

2. Do the things that you're good at and you enjoy doing (as long as it is halal).
Don't do it because people say it's suitable for a woman (gender stereotyping, which I despise so much, but that's another topic)

3. It is normal to be miserable, spend time to remedy the issue or at least lift the load and stress a bit.

4. When in Rome, do as the Romans do ;)

5. Finish what you started.

See you again in a few days time. till then, Happy New Year :)

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That long journey that seems to have no end

I was in KL last Saturday and took a couple of days off from work to settle my thesis stuff.

Drove from Penang at 8 am in the morning and the whole stretch of road from Penang to Tapah was cool and covered with light mist, which was really pleasant because it reminds me of driving in UK in the cool of Autumn.

Arrived in KL at 12.30 pm, dropped my mum at the apartment and went straight to Le Meridien at KL Sentral to have high tea with my Cardiff housemates. So lunch & tea was really fun.

Then rushed back home to get ready for a wedding dinner in Dewan Merak Kayangan. Arrived quite early, in fact really, really early. You will know why later. Walked to the lobby of the hall and scanned around if I could find a familiar face. Then noticed a sign board displayed the names of the bride and groom, which is entirely different from the invitation card that is in my hand. Confusion sets in. Soon I realised I had the date wrong! I mistook the RSVP date as the wedding date :( The wedding isn't on yet in 15 days. what a bimbo moment! So I quickly slip out of the hall (mind you, I am already in baju kurung wedding get-go) and went straight to the car and drove to Wangsa Walk for dinner.

Sunday:
Went to Bangi to visit my sister who was studying in one of the colleges there. Had lunch in Alamanda. Had a tinge of envy because there wasn't Alamanda when I was studying in Banting. The closest mall is 2 hours bus ride away. Which makes KLIA (30 mins bus ride), an acceptable replacement place to hang out.

After lunch, met with my dear friend for desserts at Ice Room for a quick catch up. Sighted my twitter friend's parents. Wanted to say "Hi" to them but didn't because I think it will be too complicated to explain the term 'Twitter friend'.

At night, we went to my cousin's house and took her and her son for nasi kerabu dinner.

Monday:
Can't remember what I had for breakfast, but I think it was good. Got ready with everything because I am supposed to go to UM to get my Supervisor's signature on the thesis submission form.

Sent my mum to the LRT station because she wanted to meet her friend for lunch. And since it was too early to go to UM, I decided to get a haircut. The hairdresser was complaining that I had too many dandruff and yadda, yadda about hairloss. She succeeded in making me take the hair treatment with the big head gear and washing and all. Well, I had time to kill anyway.

So I went to UM, met my supervisor. She asked if I had the colour of the cover right. I showed her and she signed the form. Then she went to get another lecturer to sign the witness forms. And she told me she came up to the office alongside The Examiner. "Go try to knock on his door, maybe you'll get his signature".

So I went to his room. He opened his door and immediately after he saw me there he said in his cold voice "No, come back Wednesday, I told you Wednesday morning." I pleaded (well, not so much), and explained that I just thought I'd try my luck since I was here anyway. He still said NO. (Damn).
So what time on Monday sir? 9am.

Went back to my Supervisor's room and told her everything that happened. I told her everything.
How I felt like an insignificant being standing there, and he didn't look me in the eye. not even a smile. I think I saw him rolled his eyes, in fact.
He was so arrogant. Rude even.
What is it with him? It's not like he did not knew I drove from out of town for this stupid signature and just give me some considerations.
We ended up talking about his unprofessional and inhumane attitude for about an hour. Turns out he treats everybody like dirt. well, except for some few people who are higher levels than him.

It was quite frustrating, I have not dealt with a difficult person for quite some time. The last time I had a difficult time was with Mr Burns.

In the evening, I went to watch Gravity. I was glad I did. It was a good movie.



Then for dinner, I picked up my friend from the LRT and went to our banana leaf joint that we use to frequent. Had a long chat over things, especially about The Examiner from Hell.

So I went back home and waited for Wednesday to come, with much contempt in my heart and also I think I had gained a few pounds from all the eating. Maybe next time I should meet friends at the gym.

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Decider & Powerless

Tomorrow would be the day.
Which I so much dread, as I have no control over it anymore.

I try to mentally prepare for the worst case situation so that if it happens, I wouldn't fall from the sky because my expectations are already on or below ground level. I have also told my dad and my mum, to not have high expectations as well.

It is not that I have not failed before. I have, on many occasions. And if I do, I hope I won't have to fall into the same cycle again and go through 1-3 weeks of depression. It was not fun for me and also for the people around me. Although, talking and planning for failure is relatively easy, but going through would still be painstaking.

All in all, I think this journey have been quite gruesome, testing and not to forget, a very humbling experience. It made me realise that on my own, I cannot possibily rely solely on my own devices to reach the end of the journey.

• I've learnt that Allah SWT is the Enabler and whatever happens before, during or after some event is His decisions, and therefore, we should always ask from Him everything that is good.
• 
  
• Re-learning the concept of redha and tawakkal. When we asks from Allah for something that is good for us and our Deen, in this world and the next, then we should believe and have full faith that whatever that occur; be it good or bad (in our eyes) is really what is good for us, although we might not see it or make sense of it now.

Therefore, as a person, I honestly feel that I am totally powerless to control. Such a raw feeling to have. Like being stripped naked in an open place (not a problem if you're a nudist though).

So, if things don't go well tomorrow, I believe that it is His way of protecting me from some harm. Or maybe is guiding me towards something much more better. I hope.


Of all the money that e'er I had 
I've spent it in good company 
And all the harm that e'er I've done 
Alas it was to none but me 
And all I've done for want of wit 
To memory now I can't recall 
So fill to me the parting glass 
Good night and joy be with you all
- The Parting Glass

Haven't cleared all the hurdles yet

With the Grace and Mercy of Allah SWT, I managed to finish up my thesis correction last week and now, as I speak, it is being reviewed by the examiner (again).

How I managed to finish everything last week was beyond my belief. I won't attribute it to my efforts; because I know I did not worked as hard as I ought to; but the REAL attribute goes to the du'a (prayers) of my parents, friends and acquaintances. Maybe one or all of them have been granted by Allah SWT.

Without those precious du'a, I think I am still struggling right now collecting data and still not yet finished, pulling my hair, or curled under the blanket crying, depressed.
Jazakillahukhayrankathiran.

Now, the ball is in the examiners court. He will decide whether I'm good to go (print and bind and submit) or not. Funny (Not!) how one big moment of your life depends on the decision on a single person. I think it is an unfair system. But I'm just a lowly student, who has little and inadequate knowledge of how this "top ranking" university works.

It is still 50-50 from here. And I still need your du'as.

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Eid 2013- more thesis rant

Salam Eid Mubarak all,

I realised that it has been quite sometime that I last wrote in here. Nothing much happening around me that needs me to type in my thoughts in more that 140 characters and not much that has caused much exasperation.

Apart from the thesis correction that I have yet to complete, I am doing my best to settle into my new work place. Alhamdulillah, I have been placed in a project, now I don't have to pretend to look busy everyday, just a few days would do ;)

I have 2 more months to submit my thesis. Already completed Chapter 2 and Chapter 3 just before Eid and gave the softcopy to the examiner to read. I really hope he will return it back to me with a positive review. I am left with Chapter 4 and Chapter 5, which I believe is the bulk of the work load. It requires a large additional circuitries to be included into my circuit and I don't have a single clue on where to start. Yes, panic has started to set in yesterday.

O Allah, I ask you to make it easy for me to complete my task, and provide me aid when I am stuck.

2 weeks before Eid, I got into an argument with my dad regarding my thesis. He, being an experienced lecturer with a dozen of PhD students graduated under his supervision, can't really understand why his daughter (hardworking one, if I might add) is having problems with her dissertation. I can sense that he was feeling dissapointed that I was a let down and somehow didn't inherit the 'ability-to-complete-a-thesis' gene. Well, Raihan did sang for us "Iman can't be inherited", I believe it is the same for this thing too. Simple Plan's Perfect was on repeat mode for the next couple of days, naturally.

Let's find a scape-goat.
If my dad was my supervisor, I think I have a greater chance to get it done. Hmm, maybe that sounds too 'cronism'. OK, lets re-phrase it. If my supervisor, had the same attitude as my dad, maybe I can write a good thesis.

Hahaha. Takde salah sesiapa pun.

At the end of the day, the thesis will have to be completed, no matter what happens.

The other day, there was news about the magnetic polarity of the sun changing and will cause a lot of drastic changes o Earth and might cause the collapse of the world. I have admit that I felt secretly glad with the "news", if it did happen, the whole world crumbling around me, the best thing that would come out of it is that I don't have to worry about my stupid thesis correction.

Sampai begitu sekali? Hahaha.

Selamat Hari Raya.

Post-Viva: Report from Examiner

Eversince my viva ended 3 weeks ago, I have soooooooooooooooooo much resentment towards everyone related to my postgrad studies right now.

One:
The internal examiner. Who took 3 bloody weeks to finish writing his report. Wtf are you doing? You got my thesis like FOUR months ago and what were you doing then? Why can't you finish writing the report before the viva and hand it in like everyone else does, The Day AFTER the viva. Not two days, a week, or 3 weeks after.

Two:
The postgrad Office. They can't and they won't use their brain. I am not sure if they even have one in their thick skulls. They can't make the examiner give an exact date on when to submit his bloody report, they kept my report for FOUR bloody days and didn't even bother to pick up the damn phone and call to inform me that I should come and collect it. And they won't back date the effective starting date of the correction although they are aware that it is in fact 3 weeks late. "that's the way it is". Shit lah! It is not fair. Why do is it that everytime I want something from these people I have to beg and grovel asking for fairness (and even kind consideration). The postgrad office is a piece of work and they're not there to help the students, but instead they're determined to make our lives a living hell.

Three:
Supervisor. I don't know where to start with this one. Not helping much during research, was just there to sign my forms. No useful technical or academic consultation that was given. The next person who read my thesis should be her and she didn't give any indication that my work is not good. She wasn't there in my viva.

At least one thing, she's pulling through at the end (I hope!). It looks like she's trying to help me with talking to the examiner and the postgrad office.

I am sooooooo out of sorts, out of spirit and out of energy because of this stupid chase just for a dumb scroll. At the end what do I get? A heartache, a headache, a bad knee, in debt and i feel like a big loser. Everytime I look at the examiner's report I feel like I will suddenly go into spontaneous combustion right here, right now.

And to make it worst, the external examiner report only gave me very minor correction for my thesis. And that examiner is a Professor with many years of experience. And that lowly Inexperienced newly joined the uni internal examiner, somehow thinks my thesis is crap. It is like these two people were handed two different thesis!

I can't help but feel like I am at the nasty end of the beating stick. Felt like I'm a victim of situation, maybe he's doing a political power play, egoistical. I also felt like being discriminated inside the viva session. I shall remember what nissar said that day: the loudest noise comes from an empty can.

At this moment, anyone who comes and asks me how was your thesis, I'd just tell them straight up. And most of the time, they will say "don't give up", "hang in there", "do your best", "show them back you can do better". My eyes can't roll far enough to the back of my head to express my exasperations. I am mentally slapping their face as hard as I can.

Argo fūck yourself!

Stages of Grief of Post-Viva

I am going through the 5 stages of grief with regards of my viva experience last Tuesday:

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance 

Check one and two.
Been going to and fro with Bargaining and Depression right now.
Maybe one day, I'll reach the Acceptance stage.

On the first day I was mad with the examiner.
Then it shifted to the Supervisor.
Once in a while, I blame myself.

"Oh, hey.. don't worry it's not the end of the world. Don't be too over-dramatic."

I know that. But can't a girl have feelings...
...of depression and anger?

Anyway, I am doing other things to deal with it, like watching movies, venting through blogs and eating desserts. That is healthy, right?

Viva: A grueling experience

I had my thesis defense this morning (Thesis Viva, in other words). It is the last few checkpoints before you proceed for graduation and it is a big/small hurdle to overcome (or "stepping stone" from another point of view) before you are awarded the degree.

For me it was the worst experience of my life. And preparing the 15 minute slides were actually the least of my concerns because the Examiners panel did not even wanted to look or listen to my presentation. After the first 3 minutes of talk they told me to stop and just answer their questions. No time for introductories or exchanging pleasantries. They were ready to cull me there and then.

There were 5 people who sat in front of me staring intimidatingly at there. Two of them gave me a hell of a time. One was the examiner who I am sure is hell-bent on giving me a really difficult time. He has this negative reputation of biting the head off of students. And unfortunately he was my examiner. Then the other one was not happy with  my choosen word for the Thesis title and plainly mentioned that my design was inferior to others.

No supervisor to save me. I was left there standing all alone in front of the firing squad trying my best to defend my work. No amount of explanation or proof or excuses that I gave satisfied them since they have already made-up their minds. I feel like shit.

The examiner, who i believe, has a deep seeded ambition and intent to highly criticise and belittle the work of each and everyone of my supervisor's students, told me that I will require quite an extensive work for my thesis correction. Like adding I/O ports and a micro-controller circuit, which I think is not relavant at all with the scope of my research.

The final outcome of the Viva was 'Pass, but with Major corrections'. This is quite depressing really. They call me back into the meeting room and mentioned to me my results, I could identify that mocking tone in their voice. The word "Pass" is actually a decoy, a mental trick by inserting a positive word with a negative meaning doesn't make it good. A load of crap. 'Fail' would still be a better option as you get to stop everything and move on with your life. Passing with Major correction just means the next 6 months of your life would be stressful, depressing and unknowing. It means more work needs to be done. Meaning, I have to spend more time and money to rent software license and do more simulation work.

I told my supervisor about this. I don't think she's able to help me, no surprise there as I had always been on my own on this journey to reach the elusive postgrad degree. But she did say, there is some element of "dengki" involved there during me viva session, which I can agree.

I don't wan't to being the racist card out, but I did feel discriminated during the defense.

ugh.. it's too depressing to talk more about it. Even thinking about it makes my head ache.

Viva anxiety

Oh.My.God. My Viva thesis defense is about in two days. This might be one of the most unsettling days of my life. Might be. Not panicking yet, but highly anxious. Maybe will panic soon. I've got my slides done. This is one of the hardest task to do because I am only allowed 15 minutes to present. The question is, how do you pack all that 2.5 years of data and literature reviews in 15 minutes? I took my seminar slides that consisted of 40 pages, and then took half of them and put them in the back-up section. The most important parts (which I think are important) are up in the main slides. I've stopped asking my supervisor on her opinion because she then will add more to it. And reading about viva preparation and horror stories from the interwebs are not really helping my nerves. Oh dear God, please help me sail through this. Take care of my viva for me. All I want is to pass my viva with little or no correction at all. If things goes bad, I think I might give up all together. Please don't let it be that.

Preparing for Thesis Viva

I have my Masters Thesis viva this coming Tuesday.
Please make du'a for me so that it goes well and I'll be able to pass my viva smoothly.

I was only told about the viva late afternoon yesterday and I have less than 5 days to prepare. There's slides to update and a thick thesis to devour. Fuh.. !

Scared, but can't wait for it to end as soon as possible. I hope the "firing squad" would have mercy on this poor little soul and take it easy on me.

Wish me luck!


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Postgrad will make you believe in God (Part 1)

This sentence might sound very dramatic, but your postgrad experience will make you find and believe in God... and if you don't, you'll go down the dark and winding road to Crazytown.

I've been in the two places before and none of them are easy.

When you are distance yourself away from God, you are creating an empty space in your heart. That empty space within you will quickly be filled with dark things; basically the whispers of syaitan and weird thoughts. When I was doing my first Masters degree, I did not have a very good relationship with God. Back in the days I did not pray on time, and sometimes deliberately miss my prayers, just because. I disliked or made fun of people who are close to the Deen. It's not like I was a party-goer or doing nasty things like indecency or drinking alcohol things like that. I was just 'distanced' and all alone in that weird reality I've created for myself.

When you go about doing stuff outdoors with people, you just don't feel it. But once you're alone in your room, it starts to overcome you slowly, but surely.

Here is the thing, you don't write your thesis in a crowded room. You don't write your thesis by dictating your sentences to a secretary or do it in  group. Normally, thesis writing is done in a quiet room, you alone, sometimes typing away on the keyboard into the late nights and early mornings, not just for a day, but it goes on many nights and sometimes months. And that is when IT starts to creep in and messes with my mind.

I've started to hate people, even my own best friends. Having conversations in my head thinking that people are conspiring against me. Kept myself in my room and did not leave the small space except in the middle of the night and tip-toeing in the dark just to avoid talking to people. I did not talk to people for many days, and the only conversation I had was with the voices in my head. It's hard to explain here but I felt like I was someone else, someone with a darker personality. It might just be depression, but it was killing me from the inside and I even seriously considered taking drugs (only that I don't know where to get it) and also cutting myself. In that dark times, I've almost severed my friendship. It really took a toll on my. Even until today, I don't dare to open up the journal I've written during those dark times.

I did eventually finished my thesis, submitted it and got passing grades, but I really hated myself at that time.

And that, is what happens when you don't have God in your heart.

2012 in review

The last few days of 2012 are the days I usually reflect back on the year that will pass and plan for a new year ahead. Let's take stock on what has (or has not) happened in 2012:

The "Has":

1. The first thing that I am glad of is that I have finally finished and submitted my thesis. It's been a very big dragging thing throughout the year.
2. Committed myself to the gym for three months. Then off again for many months and then on again for a few weeks. This thing is not easy to become a habit, but I do try.
3. Had a good year spent with the family. Although I did not go for any exotic holiday overseas, I am content that I've spent my holidays at home.
4. Went to see a lot of movies.
5. Had nice gathering with friends. I am glad of this because I don't do this a lot when I was in Penang.
6. Learnt a lot about Islam, being a Muslim and spiritual beliefs. I hope I will be able to retain the knowledge and act upon it.

The "Has Not":

1. I am glad I do not have to go run to the hills and live in the jungle. Was a bit nervous about 21/12/2012 and almost thought that I will have to be like Katniss Everdeen. No I did not kept rations of food in the cupboard that could last me for 3 months because I do not have money.
2. I am also glad that I did not went into depression due to the thesis writing, although I think I also went mad while writing. This is not a joke because I seriously think writing a thesis could bring yourself to the brink of an emotional breakdown like what happened the last time in 2004. Maybe living alone helped me in this.Maybe no PhD for me.
3. My bad knee has not improved. I'm starting to notice the pain on a daily basis and sometimes it's hard to sleep at night with the nagging pain.
4. Not met life-long travel buddy yet.
5. Has not got a job yet. Although has started looking.

Transition

Postgrad journey is seldom a straight road.

Doing postgrad research is a journey. I started with high motivation, hopes and confidence that I could finish within 2 years, publish papers into a few journals and change the world (somehow).

All of that did not happened.

Instead my study dragged for an extra 6 months, I lost hope many times and I am not sure if I ever found them or just conjure new hopes, I have not managed to publish any papers into any journals yet and the world is still the same or maybe have gone worse that it did before.

But in any case I am determined to finish what I've started. This is not the first time I've faced failure or hardship. I am not the first postgrad to feel so miserable, worthless and penniless, in fact most of the stories I've heard about people doing their postgrad are like epic battle stories and the student is the underdog.

I am nearly at the end of my journey here. I've send all 4 examiners copies for binding and prepared my seminar slides and just waiting for the day to hand in those 4 thick syok-sendiri thesis that I wrote. There are two or three more hurdles to jump over; thesis viva and final correction. I can't do much about that except pray that it will go well.

As I am trying to get back into the industry, I try to make sense of this postgrad journey that I have embarked on 2.5 years ago. Where had all the shiny dreams and high hopes went? Is this just a 2.5 years break from the rat-race? I should make something out of this. It should be stepping stone onto something better. Something that is different from my past lives.

Finally she's good at something

If there is one thing my SV is good at, it must be 'lobbying'. In the past couple of weeks, I've had 2 interviews and also a 'special' recommendation to the HR by her. If only she could do an excellent job like that by actually doing 'supervising research work', maybe I'd still be on the path pursuing a PhD.

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Thesis and the works

I got back my third thesis draft last Friday afternoon. I am still mulling over what to do with it. The feedback was, I think, positive and hopeful, given the fact that I toiled day and night to get it done, therefore I deserved a good feedback. Well, my supervisor did not look enthusiastic when she returned it, so I was confused, whether it was a good good feedback, or a bad good feedback. Maybe I'm over analysing it.

I did not get the tuition fees reduction that I requested. The deputy dean said that he will approve the reduction only if I submitted my thesis in September, and I was only informed about it in October! Like, what the what??! Right?!

So I was thinking, since I won't get any fees reduction even if I submit early or late, as long as I submit my thesis within this semester I am good enough already. I will take my time to collect/correct my data, conduct a seminar and get that one journal paper submitted and published this semester. Therefore, my "procrastination allowances" is extended until March 2013.

I also have officially started applying for jobs since last Monday. We will see how that goes.


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September and October was thesis writing month.

For the most days of last October, I was swamped up to my nose with writing work for my thesis. I was trying to hand in my third and hopefully, final draft, to my supervisor. It took me about one month and many late nights to make the corrections based on the feedback of the second draft. That was the longest month in my life, typing away on the keyboard, running more simulations, figuring out the best way to present my data, digging into literatures to find any missing links and connections. There were days where I'd stay couped up in my apartment. I think the longest was 6 days of staying indoors. I have to thank the interwebz for keeping me sane and helped me keep in touch with the outer world.

The pressure on thesis writing took its toll on the final week before I handed in my draft, I've worked until 5 am that day and decided to turn in. But before I sleep, I've gone on a short 'research' about Earth's hell hole in Russia and stumbled upon a video that shares a recording of the sound from 'hell'. That turned out to be a troll in the end. So I resigned to bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

Suddenly I was awoken by a loud sound of a man with a deep, sad and eerie-ishly saying "Astaghfirullah-hal-'azim" many many times. The man's voice echoes and vibrates loudly in my room and my first thought was "omg, have I died?!". No joke. It was scary. A few moments later I realised it was the voice of the muezzin from the nearby mosque preparing to make the Subuh Azan. But it did scared me shitless.

And the following morning, and a couple of days later, my mind wandered away from me. I did not recognised my labmate, Nissar, at the postgraduate office even when he was waving and five feet away from me. My thoughts were drifted from the conversations I had with my friends. Maybe I was floating in a separate conciousness that is detached from the real world.


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Thoughts about my journey in research and writing so far

Hi there,

Finally some spare time for me to pen some thoughts in this forgotten blog(s). Some update regarding myself, I've been really busy in the past few months trying to get all the correct results and start writing my thesis. Last week, I've finally handed in my first draft to my supervisor for checking and now I'm patiently waiting for the correction instructions (or maybe a red duct tape wrapped around the whole stack of papers with a note on it saying "This is SHIT" -in Steve Jobs kind of way).



Doing this Master's business is not really as dandy as I (or anyone) thought it would be. I don't know what is the correct way to succeed in this thing. Work hard? Work smart? Work differently? Don't work at all? The formula is different for different people.

But what does work is determination to reach the end. In one piece with every limb intact. Just do anything you need to do to get to the end. It is a rough road.

Maybe that is just me. I've never had good experiences with thesis writing. The first time I did in my undergrad, I think I went semi-crazy and drove away some friends. The second time for my first Master's degree, I was hospitalised for some unknown pain in my abdomen. I don't know why I've decided to go through it again for the third time? Fortunately, I've not been hospitalised (but I've visited the hospital a few times now for the knee issue), or totally cut myself off from society. So I hope keep it this way for a few more months until it's done.

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Without a compass

I feel so lost.

How do you know if something is really right for you?

How do you know that this 'challenge' is something that is to make you stronger, and not a sign telling you to stop?

Should you follow your heart? Or should you follow what your logical thinking says?

Should you choose a path that is clear and safe? Or should you try and be adventurous taking risk going through a path that is unknown? Perhaps it will take you down a very scenic route, but on the other hand, it could be a treacherous road.

How do you know?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Entry with rage

Almost two years doing this Masters by Research at this university, but the finish line is still not visible. Instead of progress, I feel like in a Snakes and Ladders board game, where every time I make one or two steps forward, I'll then slide down the snake's body back to square one.

Frustrated? Maybe, but I'm kinda immune to it by now.

I was sending messages to and fro with a junior of mine from the old work place. Turns out she's also joining the academic path like me. She says 'it is the most obvious thing to do as a working mother of two'. Sigh... then what am I doing here? I am a mother of none.

Anyways, back to the story here. She says, she'll be doing her PhD and right now is trying to apply for university placement in the UK. What shocked me was that she had an MEng degree (same as me) and did not have to do MSc like I HAD TO (and still doing). Even the Dean laughed so hard when she brought a letter to ask for MSc by pass and the registrar asked her back, what is MEng?

Argh! this is absurd!!! WHAT AM I DOING HERE THEN????!!!

Last time you said I can't do PhD because I had an MEng degree. Now you say ppl with MEng degree can straight do PhD. What is this shit??!

FU Uni academic worker intake! FU FU FU FU!!!